this is about getting my high school life back again......

last time i did this, is when i was 16.
i mean, running away from the guy i thought he was great. and suddenly all of his and my friends knew it. and i was trapped.

but i gained my courage again, so i decided to send him few short messages, and finally asked him out for movie. that's pretty well.

my date didn't worked out that perfect- but still we could be friends.

don't ask me, why... but... it's just he kept thinking that i am way smarter than him in many ways.

but he's a nice and a polite person.. i like him for that. plus, he has a good smell.

death

i always loved being alone. in the darkness, just thinking about things that's unimportant. thinking about sad things that happen in my life before. i like black. in coffee, color, pattern, ghost, stories, most thing people would say, it's dark.

but then my friend - one of my friend - tell me a story about her mothers death. chronologically.
and still i cried. i cried hard enough to think that this is not the kind of black thing i love. you can not love someone's death except fictionally. no matter who that someone is.
i haven't even met her mother. i don't know her at all.

and few months before this, i came to my friends grandfathers funeral. and i cried there. without stories. i just cried. hardly.

i don't know why i cried. i feel sad of course. but why should i? those people i never met, i never knew, i never owe anything. why should i?
logically, those tears i cried is positively useless. annoying maybe. and yes, i feel that it's no use.

i do not know.

maybe i am not that fetish of black at all.

a point of view

my mom always said that people has different point of view. define that. i know that we are all live as a main characters in each others drama, and that we have different roles for every other drama. i play as myself, as a daughter in my mom's drama, as an enemy in my enemy's drama, as someone to love in my future lover's drama (since i haven't any lover yet).
i used to think about, what if i play someone's else's. that thing could be thousand cool. yet, it could kill myself instantly. i mean, we're all know about those movies telling us how people lose their identity. like "the bourne identity", or "the net", or in the real life, people who have to enter FBI's witness protection program - or something like that.

i can't figure out what would it be- to live someone else's life. it's ok to switch your id for a few days - no more than a week, for me - to someone whom life's seem attracted for you to live. maybe i'll do that thing about the princess and the pauper for a week. living in a huge castle in Scotland or somewhere that has a huge dark medieval building, with hundreds acres of green nine hole golf court.

but i won't live any longer than a week.

i won't do that anyway.
adventure's fun, but if it goes too far - until i do not have any time even to remember it, since the adventure hasn't finished for thousand years - it's equally death.

even indiana jones doesn't live in the same adventure for his whole life -

or does he?