Being a Complicated Me

When I was younger, way younger than now, I used to have something I'd like to call an "identity lost" phase.
That is when I don't really know what I really want to do, who I want to be, etc. But the biggest question was, who I really am.

Those who knew me from childhood, will recognize me as a very active little girl, who likes to talk and talk to anyone she met. Love dancing and singing and have no fears to scary things like dentist or blood. Who act as an adult by teaching others to sing. Who act as if she knew everything.
Those who knew me from high school days, probably will take me as a very snob person. Who's brave to face seniors, still an amateur singer, and always appear as if she's full of confident.

My university friends will think of me as a boyish girl who's careless to the world. Who could speak and mingle easily with boys. Who's quite eccentric by outlook and a confusing singer.

And now, my colleagues at work (and bosses), think of me as a very loudmouthed girl. who's not afraid to speak, many times at wrong occasions.Who's actually a good spoke person and MC, and creative design, but reject order as much as accepting it.

My recent office friends always think of me as a very confident girl who's definitely not sensitive, and is a stubborn.

With all those descriptions above, I wasn't really sure about myself. I used to try to find scientific description about me. I try with "bipolar" , beep, that's not it. My mood do actually easily goes up and down in just seconds. But not as extreme as what a bipolar person shows.
And then I think of, having a double personality, but again, I guess that's wrong. Because I never lose any conscious and fully aware of what  I'm doing or thinking.

...

So i tried some personality test on internet, and i found that i'm an INFJ (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging) type of person, according to Myers-Briggs Personality Type.
and i find this description really fits me :

INFJs have been mistaken for extroverts, as they tend to possess multiple personalities due to their complex inner life; however, they are true introverts.

this is (maybe) one of the answer.

For girls who used to ask me "how could you be so easily talk to the boys and even the seniors and hanging out with them ?", well, ladies, i didn't 'easily talked' or 'hanged out' with them. I was just basically sat alone (reading or listening to music or day dreaming as every other introverts love to do) there at the canteen, and then they came around, making loud and noisy chit chat while took seats around me and simply said "hi" to me without any attempt to get me involved in their conversation. As me, I was simply said "hi" back and responding to their miserably confusing chit chats as I thought what a normal conversation should be, and pour out my views whenever it's needed.
Just that.


another one :

INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal (except to their closest companions). INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits" rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.

see ? I'm a very sensitive person.
Few months ago, I told my colleagues, and nobody believed. Some of them showed me the look of horror as they tried to figured out was there any sentences or acts that somehow offended me.
I know it's hard to believe, that I'm a very very very "take it to the heart" type of person. That is easily offended, and hurt. I just tried to silently withdraws myself, instead of getting angry or pout, just because I don't want to hurt back those who have offended me.
So, dear people, if you say something rude or talk about me behind my back, or what ever bad, and you see me just smile to that, please note, that I smile so that I won't hurt you. However bad I cry inside.

...

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately, deeply woven, mysterious, highly complex, and often puzzling, even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.

highly complex and often puzzling even to themselves ? That is just so me.
that's why , daydreaming, or some deep thinking act on bus, or even writing this self - confusing - article on blog that not many read, is just some normal activities for the INFJs.

.........

last note,

With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired, yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

just remember, that although i'm capable of doing several things (creative design or public speaking), doesn't mean i love doing it. It's just because i'm quite an intuitive person that act as a dry sponge, easily absorb new knowledge and skills.
but then, i'm also like a wet sponge, easily squeezed out of its content of knowledge and skills.
the sponge has no feelings about those it absorb.
in other words, don't push me.

i'll do what i can and able to help. so please pay me back by not asking to much from me.

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oh oh, i also hate those who talks behind my back. I'm a very intuitive AND sensitive person. I know when there's a ghost surrounding me, so I'll definitely know when there's people talks behind my back.

If you want to say something about me, be it bad or worse or worst, please just say it in front of me. I'll probably just cry inside, but seriously, that will be fair for both parts.

.........................

*Sigh*